Eve Speaks

Are women really smarter than men as some research suggests? Or, are men so stupid that women appear smarter by default? There is a growing consensus, mainly among women, that this is true. I have no opinion, but I do know two things about women that rings true in my experiences with them.

First: Women have mastered the art of pretending to listen to a man while they go about their daily business.

Case in point: my wife and I were returning some items to our local big box store, recently. We each had one item to return. My wife said she would handle the returns for us. She planned to exchange hers for a different size, and I wanted a refund for mine, no exchange. Simple enough. Driving to the store, having faced a communication firewall before, I wanted to make it abundantly clear to her of my intent; no exchange, just a simple refund, please. “Sure,” she chirped. I repeated my wishes to her twice more during the course of our drive. I got a solid, “Uh huh” both times.

Now, standing in front of the customer service counter, she explained to the clerk that I wanted to exchange my item for something different. Hearing this, I began sputtering and blathering on as if I had been afflicted with the Stupid Man Syndrome and began speaking in tongues making no sense at all to the clerk and the crowd of bystanders that had gathered behind us to watch my irrational fit. My wife turned to the clerk and just shrugged. “Men, they are so cranky when they shop.”

“And, not very bright,” whispered the clerk.

“How do you put up with it?” asked a lady standing behind us.  Sensing sympathy from the crowd, my wife turned to her and said, “I don’t know, he’s always doing this.” It wasn’t until the drive home that my wife recalled my comments about wanting a refund. See, women are smarter.

Second: Women love to talk.  They have an urge, a drive, and a demand to be heard. This female desire to speak, right or wrong, runs deep throughout the generations. Eve was a talker and look what happened to her and Adam. Adam got his one chance to make a comment and, quite by accident, mentioned the “S” word (sports). He ended up sleeping on a bed of fig leaves, alone, for an entire week.

The whole apple thing was spurred on by too much conversation and not enough listening, as well. Eve said to him, in the middle of a one-way, non-stop conversation she was having with the nearby snake in the grass, “Come on, Adam, just take one bite”.  He takes the one bite in hopes of keeping her quiet and bang, no more Garden of Eden. The Stupid Man Syndrome begins.

Of course I admit, many men have the same urge to go on too long as well. I have to say that. My wife is watching me. If not about sports, some other sorts of manly-man exercise about screen doors, wood chippers, or handheld screw guns. Whenever I start down that path, my wife picks up a book and begins to read. “Yes, I am listening honey,” she says to me, “You got to screw something, that’s nice…”, pooh poohing my thoughts as just another instance of Stupid Man Syndrome.

To be fair to both sexes, it’s best for any conversation to be a two-way street. My problem is that I frequently end up in the bike lane when the talking begins. Thus, as a married person, I advise all couples to keep these words in mind and to use them often: “Yes dear, I am listening.” It’s just smarter that way.