The Advantages of Aging

Growing old has its benefits and, of course, its downside. One of the more unflattering aspects of aging is caused by gravity. Gravity? Yes. Think about it. Anyone who has been on the planet beyond their twenty-first birthday knows that gravity is not a friend. Not serious gravity like: holy crap, Uncle Frank fell into the wood chipper, but Earthly gravity that pulls and tugs at our bodies, our bones, and skin over a life time, causing us to literally shrink. Plus, our faces become so jowly and saggy from its effects; we frighten young children and are often asked to leave the room. Thanks to gravity, we end up a roadmap of wrinkles. Don’t believe me? Imagine attending your 50^th high school reunion. Let’s say you were the prom king or queen; the belle of the ball. At the reunion, your former classmates ask (if they even recognize you), “What on Earth happened to you?” All you need to say is, “Gravity”, and they will understand. Of course, we do need gravity to keep us from needlessly spinning off the planet and into space, but other than that, what’s its purpose? I suppose gravity does have its admirers, plastic surgeons for one. Gravity keeps them in Russian caviar, trophy wives, and chocolate bon-bons. You’ll never see any of them begging on the streets with a cardboard sign: Homeless and hungry, will make your face as tight as a two dollar drum for a new Mercedes.  No, they’re busy stashing their cash in some off shore bank in the Bahamas. Damn gravity.

 

Another issue is keeping up with popular culture. Older people don’t have time to follow what the Kardashians are up to, nor do they care. Seriously, give us re-runs of Gunsmoke and a Perry Como video and we’re happy as clams. Remaining current with new entertainers, actors, and singers with their crazy music is impossible. For example, who is Lady Gaga? And, why does her last name sound like she is choking on a chicken wing? Of course, learning the kids’ hip lingo is like studying a foreign language. Such as: Tea: if there’s some hot gossip circulating, then you can refer to it as “tea”. It’s appropriate in both inquiring about the gossip (what’s the tea?), or telling someone about gossip (spilling the tea). Woke: being aware of current affairs.

On the positive side of aging, there are senior discounts, early bird specials, and eating raw cookie dough guilt free, plus lifetime warrantees offered by retailers to entice us. But, for seniors, any lifetime warrantee is like betting against the house in Las Vegas, and a win-win for the vendor. Other perks: No one scoffs at us if we still use a flip phone, or own an elfin dog, like a Yorkie, dress it as a human, and push it around the block in a baby carriage while letting it bark incessantly at its own shadow until the neighbors move away. All this makes aging worthwhile, in my view.

Another bonus is millennials love our old stuff. I’ve read that many of them are turning their backs on the digital life and embracing the analogue world. The little Luddites are crazy about ancient technology. They worship mid-century modern furniture, are devoted to film photography, vinyl LP’s, eight track tape players, ranch style homes, manual typewriters, poodle skirts, and big-finned cars. Moreover, they judge geezers as mystical beings and worthy of Yoda-like respect. Conclusion: We may be aging, but we’re still hip. Far out, man!