Personal Dalliances

Brain Candy Gossip

We humans are so entertaining. Our brains remain centered in our crotch no matter how old we become. I’ve often read about senior citizens in retirement communities bed hopping, men overdosing on blue pills, and couples banging their collective brains out during wild senior sex parties after playing too many rounds of beer pong.

In this tale, it was one of my old pals at our fifty year high school reunion who capped off the evening by shacking up with another classmate. Not unheard of but always a bit of a surprise to watch latent desires bubble to the surface many years later. We’d all been together through grade school and into high school, but none of us had seen each other in the intervening fifty years.

Susie, or sweet, innocent Sue, as I thought of her -- well, at least until she became pregnant during our sophomore year in high school, was single and a free spirit in more ways than one. Our classmate, a highly successful entrepreneur, was in town from out of state and happy to see all of us. He was married and divorced with three grown children. He’d re-married and had a young daughter. His new wife did not attend the reunion.

I watched as he and sweet Sue spent the night canoodling and smiling at each other while dancing to all of the old tunes. How lovely, I thought. It was good to see old friends enjoying each other’s company after all these years. The one thing I didn’t consider was that they really wanted to enjoy each other’s company, but in a more intimate way. At the evening’s end, Sue smiled at us, pronouncing she was going up to his hotel room to share a bottle of wine. The visual of two old geezers lubricating themselves with wine while slathering essence of pheromone oils all over each other, and, uh, pleasuring each other, was off putting to me. But, judging others and feeling morally superior is a trait we humans share. I’m just doing my part. The next morning we met him on our way out as he hastily loaded his car for his escape to the airport, and his flight home. He waved good-bye to us before sweet Sue woke up to an empty bed.

Coinciding with the reunion’s sex party was another brain-in-your-crotch moment when we learned about the engagement and subsequent marriage of a neighbor’s seventy something mother, whose husband had passed away eighteen months earlier. Again, not so odd in itself, but she and a longtime family friend of her and her deceased husband began dating two days after his wife died. The two of them being highly religious and having the hots for each other, were anxious for a speedy, and heavenly legal consummation. He quickly proposed to her and they set a wedding date for three weeks after his wife’s funeral. Their fear was that God would strike them down and make their *woo hoos fall off if they had pre-marital sex.

Even better poop is when we learned that her husband-to-be invited had her over for dinner to visit him while his wife was still alive but actively in the throes of dying. When the terminally ill woman saw her she began screaming at her husband’s guest, “Get out of here and keep your dirty hands off my husband!” Regrettably for her, that ship had already sailed.

Luckily for us, their wedding day was the same weekend as my high school reunion, and we were able to escape the unusual family gathering that included one of Mr. Blue Pill Boy’s son, who was now a girl (transgender) and two of his granddaughters attending the wedding dressed as boys. To make this tale even more--ah, special, was that the balance of new hubby’s adult children refused to enter the venue for the nuptials and remained outside wailing and crying their eyes out. For some reason they found it painful to watch their father remarry three weeks after they had buried their mother, only so he could start banging an old family friend without going to Hell. The clincher, the newlyweds left a short twenty minutes after the ceremony ended to begin their honeymoon, wink, wink. I hope they had some condoms, just in case.

                                           

* Draw your own conclusions on what woo hoos are, or are not.