Holiday Letter

A popular tradition during the wintertime festivities is the annual holiday letter to sum up a family’s accomplishments and activities from the previous year. The following is a classic example of a typical holiday letter.

Dear Family and Friends,

This year, feeling blessed, we wanted to share our joy with you all. Where to start?  I suppose one thinks, where did this year go? It seems like only yesterday we were putting away the decorations from last year.

Travel: Last January, we began preparations for our seven-day cruise to the Easter Islands by boarding our beloved Pugs, Lucy and Roxanne, at one of the finest doggie hotels. Our children, who left home long ago, were not an issue. Thus, we traveled guilt-free. The cruise was a delight. We were disappointed, though that, once onshore, we were unable to find a single chocolate bunny in the tourist shops. The locals told us that a cruise line from the Ukraine had landed the day before and the passengers, all pals of Vladimir Putin, had cleaned them out.

Remodeling: After our homecoming, we focused on remodeling our house. We began with a new, solid marble vanity top (black, with gold flecks) in our master bathroom as well as several conspicuously placed designer bars of soap. To complete the look, we added chic hot pink shag seat covers on our matching toilettes, making them ooze with elegance.

Continuing our historical theme, we exchanged our full-length photo of Ronald Reagan delivering his famous “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall…” speech, from our entryway, with a reproduction of Vincent Van Gogh’s famous missing ear self-portrait.

Regrettably, we were forced to replace our stove after last year’s Thanksgiving Day fire. Who knew an overheated, oiled turkey could burst into flames so easily?  We traded in our old stove for the latest, and highly regarded, Hotter-than-Hell cook top from General Electric.

In the spring: We were off to Disneyland with my cousin Bob and his family. Poor Bob is no taller than a meter stick, and we had to comfort him after he was turned down at the Matterhorn ride for inadequate height requirements. His funk was short-lived, though (no pun intended); as he was all smiles once we got to the It’s a Small World attraction. It is a small, small world after all.

For my birthday: This year, my sweet Aunt Louise outdid herself by sending me a wallet and a matching tie she’d fashioned out of pop-top tabs. Uncle Lyle, sent me a Davey Crockett pocketknife along with a signed 8x10 glossy of Davey killing a bear when he was only three (Davey, not Uncle Lyle) and a batch of his homemade plum brandy muffins. Yum!

Our health news: Our daughter Daisy’s crying jags have slowed and the medication seems to be taking hold. My ingrown toenails did flare up in June, and I had to go back to the chiropodist ahead of schedule.

On the good news front: Last month, Uncle Frank made parole. He is staying at a halfway house in Peoria and making remarkable progress. He’s been offered a job at Wal-Mart as a greeter. However, they do require him to trade in his Kilt for pants, thus, he is mulling over the offer.

Work: My wife is in her last year of teaching and has developed a new hobby for her retirement years. She’s taken up crocheting saddle blankets for the annual wild burro relocation round-up held in the hinterlands each winter. We have been told the event is a delight and great fun (not for the burros, of course) once one gets past all of the braying and kicking. 

We wish you all the best of the season and a Happy New Year.