How it Begins…

Each year, the second my neighbors finish eating their Thanksgiving Day dinners, they all race outside to see who can be the first on our block to put up enough lights and Christmas decorations to illuminate a good-sized city in New Jersey.

This year, the fad is to cover their yards with inflatable Santas, oversized, steroid injected snowmen and herds of giant blinking reindeer with lit-up red noses all looking as if they’d been on a two week bender at Big Sal’s Beer Barn.

During the day, these deflated mini-dirigibles appear as victims of a mass drive-by shooting. Their lifeless forms flat in our neighbors’ yards, traumatizes children and frightens small animals.  A passing child screams, “LOOK! SANTA’S BEEN RUN OVER AND HE'S DEAD!”, that kind of thing.

At night, once their blower motors kick in, these larger than life-sized air bags give me the willies. All lined up in neat rows, staring at me with their frozen look of creepy Jack-in-the-Boxes-gone-mad while swaying in the evening breeze; undulating and hovering menacingly over the sidewalk. When I walk by, it's as if they’re calling out to me, “Yoo hoo, oh, yoo hoo. Over here”, daring me to come closer so they can eat my brain, turn me into a zombie, and fill my head with hot air.

This year, I've decided not to attempt to one-up my neighbors by buying out the local big box stores inventory of lights or frighten them with air bag zombies. Nope. This year, if you want my advice, and believe me you do, save yourself time and money by using the following handy tips.  You’ll thank me in the end.       

Holiday Decorating Tips:

Collect the following items: string, clear tape, a flashlight, and green or red plastic wrap.

Tape the colored plastic wrap over the flashlight so it covers the lens.

Tie one end of the string to the flashlight and the other end to a tree.

Then, stand in the middle of your lawn and yell at the tops of your lungs, “HO, HO, HO, Merry Christmas!”

Once your neighbors come outside to see what the commotion is, smile at them, wish them a Merry Christmas and go inside.

                   Turn off all of the lights, draw the curtains and sit in the dark until bedtime. That's it. You’re done decorating and celebrating the holiday season.

Ho,ho,ho!

Post Script:

Remember to turn the flashlight on at night,

(Optional)

Late at night, sneak outside and use your neighbors’ air bag zombies for pellet gun target practice. Caution: This is not a recommended practice if one has particularly cranky neighbors with no sense of humor,

or fascist city laws prohibiting such activities.